I need peoples input...

I've been wanting to start a specialty blog. One that's not for school and is more focused on one thing. If there is anything anyone wants to hear about or thinks I should start to write my input on please let me know by leaving a comment.

Girls are nothing but pain... Pure pain.

As a second grader, there’s nothing better than being chased by someone of the opposite sex. When saying chased, I literally mean, run after. The story begins with exactly that, a low-speed pursuit of a second grade boy.

I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was running away from two of the cutest girls that West Grade Elementary in Stanfield Oregon had to offer (not that there were many options for the small Podunk town I lived in).

All through the play ground they were chasing me. I would often alter my speed so that they would get the feeling that they were keeping up with me. I felt if I were to use all of my speed I would pull away and the pursuit would come to a sudden halt.

Not feeling any fatigue at all the chase went on. Some teasing and egging on by me to guarantee a continuing scamper through the field.

I can vividly remember looking north and seeing a group of my friends playing school yard football. Being young and thinking I was cool I wanted to take the girls on a run past my friends, to show them who was getting chased by girls. I ran by making as much noise as I could to ensure that I wouldn’t be missed. As my friends yelled, “RUN!!!! RUN!!!!” I continued on with more energy than ever.

After feeling the extra boost of energy from the support of my great second grade classmates, I decided to take the goose chase to the next level.

After I had lead them in and around any obstacle I could see. To my surprise they were hanging with me better than I ever thought they would! After a minute or two of a little extra fun, I then decided to stick the dagger in and get rid of them.

I saw in the distance the perfect way to lose them. A row of tractor tires sticking out of the ground. The bottom third was buried leaving the top two thirds sticking straight up out of the ground. I’ll never forget, the tires were painted orange and were bright and vivid.

A couple of weeks earlier I had found that I could hurdle them. That was the way I was going to get rid of them. There was no way they could be able to do the same.

With the tires in sight I went for it. I jumped in the air and felt higher than I’d ever been. Time seemed to be standing still as I was floating through the air. Until… A foot of a friend of the girls chasing me decided to reach out and sweep my legs out from under me. When your legs get kicked in mid-air, in naturally propels your face forward. And I was no exception.

I slammed into the tire nose first, fracturing it like it was a twig in the hands of a giant! Being the pansy that I was, I began to shed a couple of tears. The tears were mixed with an extreme amount of blood.

The nurse called my mother to come and get me. She took me to the hospital were I received treatment for my broken nose.

The time finally came for me to head home and begin my long and rigorous recovery. It was at that time that I spotted something on my doorstep. It looked to be a little book. As I walked closer, I realized it was a hand made book titled, “The Broken Nosed Apple.” Made and written by none other than the cutest girl in school. And one of the culprits that had been hot on my trail the whole recess.

Clap on Clap off.. I Now Have the Clapper...

Clap on Clap off.. The Clapper. What a well known phrase that we have grown used to and laughed at for the past generation. The clapper had never come across to me as something that would shock me. I never thought of it as something that could catch me off guard. But one special day in the normally boring corridors at West Jordan High School changed what I went through every time that word was mentioned, regardless of context.

I can picture the situation perfectly in my head. I was walking down a main hall way. There were blue lockers on my left as the band and choir rooms were to my right. Everything seemed normal to this point, but never underestimate the power of a high school hallway full of adolescent horn-dogs between classes.

As I did quite often I was eavesdropping on conversations all around me. On this particular day the dialogue in front of me between two young ladies that looked as if they could have come out of the movie, High School High, were having a riveting chat. As I listened closer they were speaking of former guys they have pleasured and how great it was. Usually my abdomen at this point would be churning due to the thick smell of school cafeterias mac and cheese, but not this time. It felt as if there was a Keebler Elf brewing up something real bad due to the vile words coming out of these girls’ mouths.

I listened on. It wasn't thirty seconds later when a ghetto-superstar was walking our way. I was sure that the man hadn't showered in 97 days. The girls gasped as they saw him approaching. There was nothing that could prepare a man like myself for the words that would come out of one of the girls mouth after he passes. Ghetto-baller continued and walked by the girls without a second look. As he passed one of the girls said, and I quote, "That ass-hole gave me the clap!"

I'll never forget it. In the middle of the hall my bottom jaw fell to the floor. As I scraped it off the grimy un-swept floor I put both hands on my head in disbelief. I couldn’t fathom what I had just heard. Did this girl really just say that out loud so I could hear it?

There are so many things that are wrong with this picture. First and foremost the clap is nothing anyone wants to mess with if there's anyone out there that doesn't know exactly what this nastiness of a woman was dealing with I can help. The clap is more formally know as Chlamydia it is a common sexually transmitted disease (STD) caused by the bacterium, Chlamydia Trachomatis, which can damage a woman's reproductive organs. Even though symptoms of Chlamydia are usually mild or absent, serious complications that cause irreversible damage, including infertility, can occur "silently" before a woman ever recognizes a problem. Chlamydia also can cause discharge from the penis of an infected man." (Definition from CDC.com)

Now that we've got that out of the way we can really get a feel of the connotation of the mind cauterizing words that previously came out of her foul and most likely plague-ridden mouth. It has been burned into the depths of my brain and will regrettably never find its way out.

I would like to send my condolences to this young lady. I would also like to send my commiseration to her future boyfriend or husband. I would also like to say to him, don’t clap on... Definitely clap off.

Rolling... The New Walking

As I look around our great world, I see so many different beautiful things that we have. I count my blessings every day for things that make our lives easier. I'm so indebted to modern technology that makes me able to get so much more done in such less time than our ancestors from the past.

I love the verity that I have a car so it doesn't take me 17 hours to get from my apartment to school. I’m grateful for the fact that I have a microwave at my fingertips that will brew me up a palatable Cup of Noodles.

I often find myself cursing the microwave in my apartment due to the simple fact that it sucks! I could in all probability heat up a Cup of Noodles faster over an open flame. I then step back and count my blessings that I have one. Let’s be honest, I heard of this place in Africa that has never heard of a microwave. So I guess we can feel good about that.

Now that I've prefaced this with blessings of technology I would now like to cut to the chase. All of this technology is having a first hand affect on the corpulence of our wonderful country.

I would like to hit on one thing in general. Are America’s kids not portly enough as it is? Now we have to add shoes with wheels on them! Are you kidding me?

With so many gaming systems, TV, internet, computer games, and the vast amount of nudie magazines, America’s youth are taking less steps than ever. Now we can add shoes with wheels to the mix of step-depleting factors that the children are partaking in.

Kids seem to be taking fewer steps than ever and now we can minus more steps from the youngins of America. Now they're rolling. They're rolling through halls in school, rolling from store-to-store in the mall, and rolling hearts of members of the opposite sex.

If I were a fourteen year old young lady and saw a boy rolling down the hall at an hasty rate of speed, I admit, I would find myself feeling engrossed by this to cool to walk teen. Don't let it fool you ladies. These trim at purchase boys, are now burning 7000 less calories a day. Give them two months max and they'll be tipping the scales at a slothful 450 lbs.

All I am saying young ones of this country and world, is please consider your purchase of shoes with wheels. I will tell you now that 147 lbs later and a torn ACL you're going to experience a little buyer’s remorse.

Look into some other things to get from point A to point B. You could look into a Segway. You know those things you stand on? They have the two big wheels and stand upright. I know I'm being a charlatan about this one, but at least you look like a BAD A on one of those.

Heaven forbid someone lace up the shoes and stride from one place to another. I avow it won't harm you. It may even aid you. If you don't feel comfortable with this, tape your ankles, wrap your knees and get to steppin.

Life Updates and Pizza=Life.

Let me let you in on what's been going on in the life of Mike. I haven’t had anything going on at all in the last couple of weeks, so I feel like I have had nothing to write about. Since it seems like there hasn't been much change, I've had to humor my blog with some of the worst posting ever!

I will start by updating everyone on the toilet issue. My good friend, and roommate has really made a stride to better flush and plunge our toilet. I feel I should offer him the award as best comeback of the year. I think he has only plugged the toilet twice since the last time I wrote, which is good considering he used to plug it twice a day on average.

Other than poop being left in my toilet things are going good. I read something online today that tickled my fancy. The headline read,” Hostage Released for Pizza." What in world!?! What are people thinking?

Seriously dude, I've been pretty dang hungry in my day, but I've never felt the need to hold a hostage for a piece of double cheese with extra pepperoni.

Let me throw this out there.... At this point in life, I'm living the most cliché' life of a college student. I've been using pump hand-soap in the shower due to no bar soap. The only food I have in my cupboards is canned food, but we don't have a can opener. I've been using public restrooms whenever I get the chance due to the mere fact that my apartment hasn't bought TP in the last week.

All this being said, I have yet to hold someone hostage, and don't plan to anytime soon. I do understand that Mr. Pizza Lover for sure has some more issue than hunger alone. But I couldn't help but laugh at the whole situation. I just thought it was a great headline.

Lets change directions, what was the hostage thinking? "Please don't kill me man, I have so much to live for!!!" "Please, I have a family, friends and a cute baby rabbit at home!" Or maybe this one, "What can I do to get out this? Do you want some sausage, maybe some bacon.. ANYTHING... PLEASE!!!"

The weapon wielding man comes back with this response, "You shut your mouth or you've said your last words!!" After a few moments of silence the criminal comes out with this, "I've been thinking lots about your bacon and sausage offer..." At this point the hostage feels a little gleam of hope. "If you can get me some pizza you're free to go."

"Get the man some pizza!!" Screams the hostage.

To me that's a pretty entertaining situation. There are so many ways of taking that story, and each of them put a smile on my face. I'll leave the rest of the twists you could put on that story to you. Good luck with that, and I hope you're all well. If you think of any good twists that you think you must share, let me know.